Bella Turns 3

The movie "Frozen" will always remind me of this time in our lives.

It came out in the middle of all this, and it was the first thing we took Bella out to do-and she LOVED it!

(we took her at 10:45 in the morning, and there were only 3 other people in the whole theater).

It is by far Isabella's FAVORITE movie, there isn't an hour that goes by without her singing a song from it.

We listen to the sound track every time we are in the car, especially going to clinic twice a week...

(that's at least 4 hours of Frozen every week)

So for her party this year, it easily went from a "Tea Party" to a "Frozen Party"!

It's all she has talked about for the last month and a half.

She invited everyone she knows, and everything she sees has to do with her party.

The day could not have been more perfect for this little princess...

she woke up to me decorating and she was SO happy!

She said to me "My Frozen Party Mom? It's sooo beautiful"!

She helped me with all the little details, and couldn't stop smiling.

Tyler sang "Happy Birthday" to her, and I could have melted.

I wanted this party to be all that she hoped and thought it would be...

I've never enjoyed throwing a party more than this one.

I miss party planning, and so to be able to plan a party for my sweet girl was SO enjoyable-

every single detail was for her and things she loves.

Bella's days consist mostly of being at home or being at the clinic.

She has play dates with her little friends as long as everyone is healthy,

but other than that she doesn't get out and do things that most 3 year olds get to do.

Today all her little girlfriends got to come, and she was genuinely SO happy.

Every time the doorbell rang, she would run to the door and couldn't wait to show them everything!

They ate lunch, lots of treats, played an Olaf game, opened presents, and ate popcorn while they watched Frozen...

(thank you Daddy for downloading the movie haha)

By the time they all left, she was exhausted.

She kept thanking us for her party, and loved every single second of it.

I just sat with her on the ground and held her, and was so grateful that this little girl could have a 3rd birthday.

How blessed we are to have her here with us, and for her to be able to enjoy things like this!

I've never wanted someone to feel more loved and thought of.

She is such a trooper each day taking her medicine, doing oral care on her gums, getting her levels checked, getting transfusions...so I just wanted today to be different and special~and it was!

I can't believe she is three.

I can't believe she is so tough when she needs to be,

yet so soft and loving to everyone that she meets.

She loves to tease, make jokes, dance, and sing at the top of her lungs.

She melts hearts, and leaves you wanting more.

I don't know how I got so lucky being her Mom, but I am grateful for it every single day I have with her

...even the hard days.

My Isabella Mae, here's to three more years.

I can't wait to see you grow and become even more beautiful than you are today.

I love you munchkin, Happiest of Birthdays!

Birthday Clinic

Isabella was so excited to go to clinic today and tell everyone how her birthday party is tomorrow!

She has been telling everyone about her "Frozen Party" for days, even showing them her invitation.

Everyone was so sweet, and made such a big deal about it.

She was so happy, and it was so nice to see her real personality come out!

Todays visit was definitely less crazy-which was nice after last week.

As we were leaving, Bella invited nurse Brittany and Dr. Fair to her party...I guess they are her favorites.

Gosh, I just love when she is her happy, sweet self.

Can't wait for her party either!

Brothers & Bone Marrow

Tyler got to come to Isabella's clinic appointment today cause he didn't have school, 

and I was too late to find a babysitter.

Bella was beyond happy that Ty could come with her, from the moment I woke her up and 

she knew he was coming-she was in a better mood than normal.

I made sure to make it a big deal that Ty got to come see "the clinic" and all of her friends there.

I wanted her to feel special, and I wanted Ty to know he was lucky to be able to come.

We got there and she automatically started showing him the fish, elevators, play area, anything 

and everything she could point out-it was SO cute!

Once we got to the clinic they told me Ty would have to go down to the kids area to play, 

cause siblings aren't allowed in the clinic.

I knew this was the rule, but since I didn't have an option I just thought they would let him come in.

Before we went down all the nurses and Dr. Fair got to meet Ty and were all so nice to him...

Bella would say "this is my Ty Ty"...it was so sweet.

Ty was sad at first that he wouldn't be able to stay with her, 

but as soon as he saw the kids area he was stoked!

Dr. Fair came in and said how we needed to start talking about a possible Bone Marrow Transplant

if her levels didn't started rising in the next 6 weeks.

As of now, we haven't seen any increase in her levels and she has now been on the 

immuno-supressants for 6 weeks.  

At this point we could start seeing a change.  

From week 6  to week 12 is when they analyze it and see if the treatment is working.

Some kids take longer for their bodies to respond, and some start changing at 6 weeks.

So since she hasn't increased doesn't' mean she isn't going to, but we need to start planning ahead incase she does need a BMT.

As Doug said this to me, my heart started racing and my stomach was sick.

Just hearing and thinking about a BMT is hard, and I wasn't ready to hear that.

They want to start the process of finding a matched donor because it can take a couple months to find one.

That way if she does end up needing one, it will all be in place and we wont have to wait longer.

As I sat there and listened, it was surreal.  I was definitely emotional, 

and started fearing that it would have to happen.

I know that she has time to respond, and I know that we felt right about doing this treatment, and that's what I need to focus on right now.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for her, and I know I need to trust in him and his timing.

It is hard though.  It is overwhelming, and it terrifies me.

These next few weeks and what happens can make such a big difference in her life.
I have never wanted something to happen so bad in my life.

I wasn't expecting to take that all in today.

I'm glad Bella had Ty to make her more comfortable.  

As if hearing all that wasn't hard enough, as we were waiting for her lab results to come back,

I gave her her medicine to take, and as soon as she took the "spicy" one, she threw up all over.

As I was cleaning up the mess, I got a phone call saying that Tyler's time was up and I needed to come get him from downstairs.

When it rains it pours.  I ran down and got Ty, came back up and had to wait for more medicine cause she has to have it everyday at a certain time.

They both started getting hungry, Bella was done being at the clinic, and she still had to be de-accessed.

I just sat there and watched them, and realized how different our lives have become.

I was grateful to have them both with me there, and I am so grateful they have each other.

What a day to remember.

Rescue the Princess

This little Princess is ready to be rescued...

and I know when she is saved, whoever gets her will not be disappointed!

She has done great the last two days, but is def ready to go home.

She hasn't had a fever since the original one while getting the transfusion,

and she has kept everything down!

I am so grateful for that, and I am grateful we can be home with Daddy and Tyler soon.

I think she is grateful for her crown, painting, rides through the hallways, french fries and smoothies!

Surprise Stays

Today was suppose to be a visit to the clinic, but will end up being a 3 day, 2 night stay in the hospital...

I never expected all the drama that ended up happening today, but then again I never do.

A normal day (which it seems to be), can end upside down and inside out.

We got her levels checked, and she needed both platelets and red blood.

The blood can take about 3 hrs. to be ready, so I decided to take Bella in the car for a change of scenery.

Before we left though she started picking at her gums...which I noticed and asked her not to...

well too late, she had already picked and they were bleeding-bad.

With her platelets so low, when she bleeds-it's bad!

So off we went, and when we got to the car I got a call from the nurse saying how they needed 

to draw more blood for some tests-for some reason the lab didn't get enough.

So back to the clinic we went.  They got more blood, and off we went again.

We went and I ran into Trader Joes to grab some things, and while I was in there I got another text

from the clinic saying her name tag didn't transfer her entire name, and they wouldn't order the blood

till they had her entire name on it correctly...really?

So I had to go back to the clinic to make another tag.

We got back and luckily the platelets had arrived, so we decided to start on that transfusion while the red blood came.

As soon as we started giving her the platelets she started throwing up...and it was all blood!

I wasn't shocked or panicking because she had done it before when her nose was bleeding.

But just like when it happened with her nose, as soon as she threw up she got really pale and her blood pressure dropped quickly!

Her head started teatering back and forth, and her eyes started closing...she was starting to pass out.

The nurses quickly came running and her blood pressure was extremely low.

She stayed conscious, but was definitely not all there.

Dr. Afifi (another oncologist) was there during all this and had them rush the blood order so we 

could red blood in her, she had lost more blood from her mouth than anyone had realized.

Once it got in her she was doing much better, but then she started getting a fever.

It is common for kids to have a fever while getting transfusions, although Bella usually does not.

With throwing up the blood, her blood pressure dropping low so quickly, and then the fever...

there was no questions this little munchkin was getting admitted to ICS.

They had a dentist at the hospital come and look at her gums, and he said it looked like her nail had cut her gums.

He prescribed her some mouthwash that can help with they gum hypoplasia-so hopefully that starts working.

Good news:

we were at the hospital when all this went down, and not in the car or at home.

Bad news:

Hospital stays with a 2 yr. old for 2 nights is not fun!

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically.

Most days I am though.

I am grateful that Bella is being watched tonight, and that I don't need to worry about her.

She is SO tough.

Dr. Afifi was shocked how fast she bounced back to "normal" once the blood started in her.

She said that no one over at ICS was going to believe her when she wrote what had happened...

I am grateful how strong her little body is, and how happy and content she can be after all that happens to her.

I never know what to expect each day with her, but I can expect to smile and feel her sweet spirit.

She hardly ever complains (other than taking her medicine)...she's such a trooper!

So hopefully her fever was just a fluke, and she can be outta here in 48 hrs.

Until then, huge paintbrushes and paint will keep her happy...hopefully!

Everything Happens for a Reason

I have always thought this saying was true, and it's hard when you don't know the reason yet...

but that's when FAITH comes in.

Quite a few people have asked me lately how Bella is feeling, and if she is acting "normal".

As I think about how she is "feeling" and if she is acting "normal", it makes me realize a few things.

Her life is different now.  Our lives are different now.

No 2 yr. old should have anxiety multiple times each day like she does.

At least 4 times a day she cries and is stressed-2x for medicines, 2x for brushing her teeth.

Not to mention the 2 days we have to go to clinic-which is constant anxiety till we leave.

I think for everything that this little sweetheart goes through, she is acting as "normal" as she can.

I think about how this situation will make Isabella act and be in the future.

Will she be more afraid, anxious, resentful, scared, entitled, compassionate, loving, etc...?

Will it make her want to be a doctor?

Obviously I don't know the answer, and I hope it makes her a better person because of it.

Everything happens for a reason, and I have FAITH that Heavenly Father knows her and knows what she needs.

"If the foundation of FAITH is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.

Acting even on a twig of FATH allows God to grow it." ~Henry B. Erying

I would have crumbled a long time ago if it wasn't for my Faith.

God has helped my Faith grow, and I am a better/stronger person because of it.

Every hour I have ups and downs, every hour I wonder and worry.

But every hour I am reassured that I can endure, and that I am blessed.

Bella is a light in the dark, she smiles at me with her huge gums and I can't help but smile back.

Even though her gums hurt, even though they bleed, she still smiles.

She brings joy and laughter to everyone that is around her.

Never Look Back

This little girl took the crown I wore on New Years, and headed to her vanity for phone chatting and hair drying.

I came into the room  New Years Day with the crown on, and she smiled and said

"You look like a princess Mom, you look like me".

She is definitely a Princess, no doubt about that!

It's SO nice to see her play and interact, and not have a meltdown while doing it.

The past couple of weeks off the steroids have been SO nice.

Her appetite has dramatically decreased, and her mood swings are back to normal for a toddler!

At her last clinic visit before New Years, it was tough.

She ended up getting 2 blood transfusions, and on top of that she has been limping

and has a weird thing in her mouth that has been bleeding (especially when her platelets get low).

I mentally and physically was exhausted at the end of the visit.
I was emotional, and it was all starting to cave in on me.

I feel like overall I have handled all this pretty well-day to day.

I have been extremely blessed and I know it comes from Heavenly Father watching over me,
and from all prayers that are said for our family.

But I have good days, and I have hard days...and it was a hard day.
That night we went to the Pie for Shawn's Brithday,
and we all went around and said our happiest moment of 2013...

as I sat there and thought of mine, I realized my happiest moment is when they told us

Bella DIDN'T have Cancer.

I sat there and thought how sad that was, but at the same time how glad I was she didn't have it.

I once again felt torn, feeling sorry about what had happened to her,
 but also feeling blessed that she was with us and that she can hopefully be cured of this.

As New Years approached, I was feeling overwhelmed, angry, and just overall down.

As I saw people reminiscing about 2013 and hearing how great of a year it was-

I just kept thinking in the back of my head how it didn't feel that way for me.

New Years Eve came and as we celebrated with our amazing friends, I once again felt blessed.

As everyone cheered to 2014 and hoped for a great year to come,
I couldn't help but feel fear that it might not be so great.

I worry about the year to come, I worry that it might be the hardest year of our lives.

I didn't know my new years resolutions, and didn't really want to think about them.
As this gloominess was over me, fear became my normalcy and started to rule.

We spent New Years Day at Nanna & Pappa's house, and it was so nice.

We hung out in pajamas, ate good food, and just spent time together.

It was exactly what I needed, and it was exactly where we wanted to be-

together with those we love and who love us.

As we went home I felt rejuvenated, and I felt like my attitude needed to change.

I needed to change.

I remembered in Michelle's last email she mentioned about coming closer to Christ as one of her resolutions.

She also talked about the "gift of change".

As I went back and read her email, it made me realize so many things!

"The gift of change is just sitting there waiting for us to pick it up and enjoy its many blessings."

"God is a loving God. He is our Father in heaven. He knows you. He has a plan for you. 

Not just any plan, but a Plan of Happiness. 

This plan does require change. It requires trials. It requires strength. It requires all of us. 

But this plan lives up to its name...Happiness. 

I testify of His Happiness that only comes through coming closer to Him! 

So just go for it! Make 2014 the best yet. 

Forget about the past and choose to be happier!"

I had read all this when she first sent it, but when I read it again it meant so much more!
"He knows you, He has a plan for you".
I needed to hear that.  He DOES know me, he DOES know Bella, and he as a plan for us.
That plan, a Plan of Happiness is there for us.
WE decide if we want to be happy and have FAITH in him and his plan.
WE can choose to have Faith, or to Fear.
Once again I went back to the answer I recieved the day we prayed about Isabella's treatment...
"Do Not Fear, I am with thee".

So I needed to change, I needed to repent, and I needed to draw closer to Christ.
In Michelle's email she also talked about repentance:

"Repentance is everything. It is how we learn, grow, and become better. 
The Gift of Repentance has already been purchased by our Savior, it is up to us to unwrap it, or dust it off, and just use it. 
I am not talking about the six steps of repentance that we learned in primary or meeting 
with bishop, although those are sometimes necessary or required. 
I am talking about coming closer to our Savior today. 
Repentance does not always mean making big changes. 
Often it simply requires an increased commitment to live according to God's will. 
This simple concept in words is why we are all here!"  

In my heart I felt was being ungrateful, especially after ALL I have been blessed with
throughout this journey with Bella.
When I think of ALL the blessings we have been given during this time,
I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
Letting my Heavenly Father know this is what I needed to do, and not only telling him
how much I loved him-but showing him.

I am not going to look back on 2013, I am going to focus on the now-and the now is OH so good.
I am choosing to draw closer to Christ and to have Faith.
I know I will have challenges, I know I will have weak days-weak hours.
But I know through God ALL things are possible.
I know Bella is going to be ok, and I know our faith and our attitude will all be a factor in it.

I KNOW 2014 will be a better year, and I am so grateful for this sweet little girl to spend it with!