Never Look Back

This little girl took the crown I wore on New Years, and headed to her vanity for phone chatting and hair drying.

I came into the room  New Years Day with the crown on, and she smiled and said

"You look like a princess Mom, you look like me".

She is definitely a Princess, no doubt about that!

It's SO nice to see her play and interact, and not have a meltdown while doing it.

The past couple of weeks off the steroids have been SO nice.

Her appetite has dramatically decreased, and her mood swings are back to normal for a toddler!

At her last clinic visit before New Years, it was tough.

She ended up getting 2 blood transfusions, and on top of that she has been limping

and has a weird thing in her mouth that has been bleeding (especially when her platelets get low).

I mentally and physically was exhausted at the end of the visit.
I was emotional, and it was all starting to cave in on me.

I feel like overall I have handled all this pretty well-day to day.

I have been extremely blessed and I know it comes from Heavenly Father watching over me,
and from all prayers that are said for our family.

But I have good days, and I have hard days...and it was a hard day.
That night we went to the Pie for Shawn's Brithday,
and we all went around and said our happiest moment of 2013...

as I sat there and thought of mine, I realized my happiest moment is when they told us

Bella DIDN'T have Cancer.

I sat there and thought how sad that was, but at the same time how glad I was she didn't have it.

I once again felt torn, feeling sorry about what had happened to her,
 but also feeling blessed that she was with us and that she can hopefully be cured of this.

As New Years approached, I was feeling overwhelmed, angry, and just overall down.

As I saw people reminiscing about 2013 and hearing how great of a year it was-

I just kept thinking in the back of my head how it didn't feel that way for me.

New Years Eve came and as we celebrated with our amazing friends, I once again felt blessed.

As everyone cheered to 2014 and hoped for a great year to come,
I couldn't help but feel fear that it might not be so great.

I worry about the year to come, I worry that it might be the hardest year of our lives.

I didn't know my new years resolutions, and didn't really want to think about them.
As this gloominess was over me, fear became my normalcy and started to rule.

We spent New Years Day at Nanna & Pappa's house, and it was so nice.

We hung out in pajamas, ate good food, and just spent time together.

It was exactly what I needed, and it was exactly where we wanted to be-

together with those we love and who love us.

As we went home I felt rejuvenated, and I felt like my attitude needed to change.

I needed to change.

I remembered in Michelle's last email she mentioned about coming closer to Christ as one of her resolutions.

She also talked about the "gift of change".

As I went back and read her email, it made me realize so many things!

"The gift of change is just sitting there waiting for us to pick it up and enjoy its many blessings."

"God is a loving God. He is our Father in heaven. He knows you. He has a plan for you. 

Not just any plan, but a Plan of Happiness. 

This plan does require change. It requires trials. It requires strength. It requires all of us. 

But this plan lives up to its name...Happiness. 

I testify of His Happiness that only comes through coming closer to Him! 

So just go for it! Make 2014 the best yet. 

Forget about the past and choose to be happier!"

I had read all this when she first sent it, but when I read it again it meant so much more!
"He knows you, He has a plan for you".
I needed to hear that.  He DOES know me, he DOES know Bella, and he as a plan for us.
That plan, a Plan of Happiness is there for us.
WE decide if we want to be happy and have FAITH in him and his plan.
WE can choose to have Faith, or to Fear.
Once again I went back to the answer I recieved the day we prayed about Isabella's treatment...
"Do Not Fear, I am with thee".

So I needed to change, I needed to repent, and I needed to draw closer to Christ.
In Michelle's email she also talked about repentance:

"Repentance is everything. It is how we learn, grow, and become better. 
The Gift of Repentance has already been purchased by our Savior, it is up to us to unwrap it, or dust it off, and just use it. 
I am not talking about the six steps of repentance that we learned in primary or meeting 
with bishop, although those are sometimes necessary or required. 
I am talking about coming closer to our Savior today. 
Repentance does not always mean making big changes. 
Often it simply requires an increased commitment to live according to God's will. 
This simple concept in words is why we are all here!"  

In my heart I felt was being ungrateful, especially after ALL I have been blessed with
throughout this journey with Bella.
When I think of ALL the blessings we have been given during this time,
I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
Letting my Heavenly Father know this is what I needed to do, and not only telling him
how much I loved him-but showing him.

I am not going to look back on 2013, I am going to focus on the now-and the now is OH so good.
I am choosing to draw closer to Christ and to have Faith.
I know I will have challenges, I know I will have weak days-weak hours.
But I know through God ALL things are possible.
I know Bella is going to be ok, and I know our faith and our attitude will all be a factor in it.

I KNOW 2014 will be a better year, and I am so grateful for this sweet little girl to spend it with!