It's OK to be sad

I sat in my car today after Isabella's Friday clinic visit and I just cried.

I cried because I was sad, heartbroken after hearing that her levels were decreased even more.

As I sat there in the car crying, I realized something...

I wasn't mad, I wasn't frustrated, I wasn't loosing my faith that the treatment could still work, 

I wasn't giving up on her tiny little body to fight, I wasn't confused...

I was simply sad, and that was OK.

I have protected myself and especially my heart during all of this.

I protect it because I have experienced first hand how quickly it can all change.

I remember celebrating Craig's birthday, Bella was happy and appeared to be fine.

After the party was over and it was time for bed, she got a nose bleed which ended up

being a night in the ER and one of THE scariest nights of my life.

I feel like I needed to remind myself that feeling sad isn't giving up.

Feeling sad is a normal reaction when you are going through hard times.

This journey has by far been the hardest trial I have ever gone through.

Having her levels going up for almost 3 weeks was a fresh breath of air.

Maybe that's why they went up, to give us all a little light.

Maybe they will start to go up again, I don't know-and that's the hardest part.

So I continue to have faith.

I focus on each day, and I take it one day at a time.

Today it was hard, and feeling sad felt good.

I know that each day with Bella home and healthy is a good day.

So we wait some more, and we see what each day brings.

Her doctors will talk to the BM Transplant team and see what they think.

Dr. Engle thinks her body deserves more time to see what it can do,

especially since she took longer to respond in the first place.

We keep going, we keep praying, and we know that tomorrow can be a brighter day!